Contemplate Why
by Tropical Medlies
Summary: Fiona's never known anyone who has committed suicide before. (Or, Cam's death through the eyes of someone atypical.) One-shot.


iona's never known anyone who has committed suicide before. Hell, she barely even knows this Cam kid, aside from handing him a color at the start of Spirit Week and seeing him talk with Dallas. Still, there's a deep, indescribable sadness she feels at knowing that someone she went to school with - someone she passed in the hall every day - was desperate enough to take his own life and no one noticed. It wasn't up to her to notice, since she wasn't friends with him by any stretch of the word, but some part of her is whispering y_ou should have seen it coming you should have seen it coming. _It chases itself around her head all day, a never-ending circle of blame. She convinces herself that everyone must feel this way.

It's irrational as hell, and not even canceling Spirit Week (something that she makes seem Simpson's fault and that she doesn't agree, but God, does she agree) alleviates it. There's a sharp pull in her gut when Mo begins to joke around, and it positively tears at her when Becky calls Cam selfish. _No, _she thinks, _you're the selfish one here. Making it all about you and your religion and what you think is right. _She doesn't say a word, though, and instead tries to block out the tirade that Becky is "blessing" them with.

A general sense of malaise settles over her, but she tries to keep it to herself. There are people who knew Cam better than her - Dallas, Maya, Alli, hell, even Katie - that have the right to mourn reserved. There's no room for a girl who never spoke to Cam to throw her grief in the ring without being called "fake" or "attention-seeking."

There are other students like her, ones who would have only known Cam from seeing him in person but wouldn't have recognized him by name or vice versa, that cast little glances over their shoulders and have creases in their foreheads and between their eyes that weren't there before. She feels like they're all scurrying around and trying not to be seen, trying not to be called out as something they're not. She ends up believing it's kind of sick that there's a protocol on who can be affected publicly and who can't. So what if they all weren't best friends with Cam? They still felt his loss.

Reasoning with Dallas on the rooftop makes things a little clearer in her head. She thinks she finally has it pinned down, why there seems to be a cloud encompassing the entirety of Degrassi that day.

Cam was only sixteen. He had a bright future ahead of him in hockey and a girlfriend that he seemed to adore. He had an entire life left to live, but he had cut it short. He had used a permanent solution for a temporary problem, and everyone was on edge now that they realized how easily it was for a life to just…end. It didn't matter what age you were, it didn't matter what your life was like, and it didn't matter how it technically happened; what mattered was that it _could_.

She brings this up to Imogen when she finds her later, hands shaking and her throat aching for the burn of alcohol after dealing with the situation on the roof. Imogen has taken up residence in the art room, skipping her classes because she knew Cam a little better than the average student due to Maya and WhisperHug.

"We could all die. We all will die," she announces, dropping her bag on the table next to some half-finished watercolors that Imogen has been stacking for her teacher. If she's keeping her hands busy, she's keeping her mind busy, she had explained to Fiona.

Imogen quirks an eyebrow at her. "A landmark revelation," she replies, before reaching out to tug gently at Fiona's sleeve. "Sit."

Fiona's too agitated to sit and instead paces back and forth, hands clasped in front of her. "I can't. He was just here yesterday, Imogen, and now he's gone! We all could be gone tomorrow!"

There's a sigh from Imogen, who removes her glasses and rubs her eyes, makeup be damned. Then she replaces them and fixes Fiona with a level gaze. "True. But why think of it like that?"

Fiona's shocked. "Why _not _think of it like that?"

"Um, because there's a ton better things to be thinking about? I mean, of course we're going to think about Cam and be sad for a while, but life isn't all about the negatives, Fiona. Sometimes good people go through bad battles and they don't always win. The best we can do right now is honor him and try to help anyone else who's thinking of doing the same thing he did." She touches the back of Fiona's hand, eyes softening. "Stop trying to overthink it, Fions. You'll go nuts."

As much as she hates to say it, Imogen is making all kinds of sense right now, even if it's not what she wanted to hear. She wanted her epiphany to be greeted with something a little less grounded. Especially from Imogen. Still, it's words of wisdom coming from someone who knows something about loss in recent weeks.

When they're standing at the candlelight vigil and Fiona feels like it's all becoming too much for her to stand, Imogen's there to squeeze her arm and reassure her that it's okay. _There's something to be said about focusing on the good_, she thinks, even as Maya's meltdown occurs in front of them.

Things can only go up from here. It's what Cam would want, she decides.


End file.
